Don’t you think there is something very peculiar about how the world looks at women who stand alone? These are the women who don’t frequently find themselves glued to a buzzing WhatsApp group or busy with brunches and catch-ups. Because of this, they are often assumed to be shy or a little on the colder side, or even worse, lonely.
However, there exists a particular group of women for whom a smaller social network is not a consequence of social incompetence but rather a well-considered decision.
The truth is that being labeled as having “low sociability” or maintaining a small, close-knit circle can be linked to certain personality traits. For example, research on the Big Five personality model has found correlations between lower sociability and introversion, as well as openness to experience, where individuals may value self-reflection more than external input.
If you realize that your social circle is very small, you will probably notice all five of these traits in yourself.
1. Allergy to the “surface level”
Social encounters would not be possible without small talk. Small talk is made up of questions such as “How’s work?” and “Can you believe this weather?” These types of conversations grease the wheels of society. For some people, this might sound fine. But for the woman who knows very few people, this is slowly but steadily draining.
There is a term in psychology called substantive conversation, which refers to a deep, meaningful conversation which goes beyond small talk. According to a study in the journal Psychological Science, the relationship between human happiness and substantive conversation was greater than the correlation between happiness and the number of social interactions. Interestingly, the most contented people had double the amount of substantive conversations compared to the unhappiest ones.
The women drawn to small groups have an inner urge to seek out this substance. There is no desire on their part to appear “deep” or “edgy.” It just seems exhausting to them to put on a show of caring about what doesn’t really matter. The more you strip down to the essentials, the more you will automatically weed out those who thrive on superficiality. You’ll be left with two or three people who are ready to explore the deeper meaning of life, and the rest will fall away as they are not getting what they came for.
2. Low tolerance for social performance
Large groups have their performative aspect too. You have to laugh at the right times and join in what sociologists refer to as social grooming. Among humans, gossip is one common form of social grooming.
Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist, made some very interesting observations in Grooming, Gossip, and the Evolution of Language, suggesting that gossip, or “vocal grooming,” played an important part in the evolution of the human species, allowing us to live in larger social groups compared to other primates. But for many women, this “cost” feels like just too much.
If you are that person who experiences a kind of personal “cringe” whenever the topic drifts to the personal matters of others, then you will discover yourself becoming an outsider in those particular social settings.
You are not judgmental but rather place importance on integrity more than getting a quick high through finding common ground to bond with others. Once you are no longer partaking in the currency of gossip, you have in effect withdrawn from most social situations.
3. High levels of “socioemotional selectivity”
The feeling that life gives us an increasingly acute sense of our own “limited time” – this is the essence of Socioemotional Selectivity Theory (SST), proposed by Laura Carstensen, a professor at Stanford University. The gist of the SST is that as individuals feel more acutely the finitude of their time, they prioritize building emotional connections over exploring their world.
Although this idea applies mainly to older people, many women develop such a condition early on. Women recognize the limitations of social energy. If you don’t have too many friends, then you definitely think of your social energy bank account literally. You are not amassing your social contacts. You want to gain a return on your investment – not selfishly, but in terms of soul satisfaction. It would be more rewarding to spend five hours with one person who understands you than spend one hour with each of five acquaintances who know you only in the party version.
4. The autonomy “comfort zone”
Being alone and feeling lonely are entirely different things, but unfortunately, society tends to confuse the two all the time. Women with fewer friends are characterized by having high autonomy, one of the three key components of Self-Determination Theory (SDT).
As per SDT, autonomy is the urge to control one’s behavior and objectives. Women with a high sense of autonomy do not rely on anyone to give them the impression that they are doing well. They do not require a squad to affirm their decisions and their self-worth. Since they are confident about themselves, there is less of a need to seek validation through a social network. In other words, this kind of comfort while being alone indicates high emotional intelligence. However, the drawback is that one doesn’t call someone else just because they are bored.
5. The “hyper-vigilant” heart
Let’s admit the truth here: there is such thing as a fortress of a small circle, and not just a garden of Eden. There is a reason why many women who avoid large circles have experienced relational trauma.
Neurologically speaking, whenever you are emotionally betrayed by someone you trust, your amygdala—a part of the brain responsible for emotional reactions—becomes sensitive to social stimuli. Your eyes pick up on little signs that other people miss, like an eye roll or an inconsistency in actions. You walk away from these people because you want to protect yourself. And even though it is effective, it is the one quality that you have to examine within yourself: do you have a small circle because you found “your people” or because you’ve constructed a wall?
Quality is the only metric
There have been many times when we’ve heard the term “epidemic of loneliness” mentioned in various conversations, followed immediately by a hurried call to action for us all to start socializing again. But there is one very important factor that this popular discourse ignores completely. Professor John Cacioppo was a neuroscientist and a world-renowned expert on loneliness who worked at the University of Chicago and spent his life’s work proving that the concept of loneliness is far from simply being lonely. What he discovered was that it doesn’t matter how many people you meet; what truly matters is the sense of security and connection with other individuals.
Cacioppo’s studies highlighted the notion that loneliness functions similar to a biological alarm system, just like hunger or thirst. Even if you are surrounded by twenty people whom you refer to as friends and feel the need to hide yourself behind social pleasantries, your brain will still send out that alarm for loneliness. The reason being that you are emotionally isolated. However, on the other hand, you might only have one friend who you speak to every week but who knows everything about you – your past, your worries, and even your unadulterated opinions – and you could not feel any more secure.
Conclusion
In case you’re a woman with an extremely small social circle, the first step would be accepting the reality and understanding the idea that you don’t have to wait until the world allows you to become who you want to become. Our society is based on the principles that assume “extroversion” and “sociability” as basic conditions that help individuals achieve success, while everyone who differs from these qualities is called antisocial or difficult. However, being a person aware of her personality can become quite a bold decision.
Having a limited circle does not mean that you lead a “limited” life or that you are socially inadequate. To the contrary, having a limited circle is quite often an indicator that you lead your life with great purpose. Having a limited circle indicates that your “entry bar” is high—high not because you are elitist, but because you value your inner peace. You’ve come to understand that your time is your greatest asset, which you don’t wish to waste on relationships that will drain your energy instead of replenishing it.
You have a limited circle because it cannot be otherwise. In a world that becomes noisier, more theatrical, and shallower day after day, only very few individuals have the “respiratory system” to dive into deeper waters in which you find yourself. If you have managed to find even just one or two individuals who can join you on those waters, you are not socially inadequate; you are simply socially gifted.
