“I used to tell people that I didn’t believe in abortions.
I was really open about my opinion, and I shared it even when you didn’t want to hear it
‘It’s a baby!’ I’d say.
‘Murder!’
But here’s the thing I’m learning about all these hard things in life: you don’t know until you know.
So, it was easy for me to be ‘against abortion’ because I had never found myself in a position where I even considered it.
And then, my person died.
So, I go to therapy every single Tuesday.
I do my best not to miss even though it actually hurts a lot.
Going to therapy, we do a lot of talking about the things that are uncomfortable.
And today, for the first time, we talked about a topic I’ve done a really good job avoiding.
After Jamie died, I found out we were expecting. We were pregnant. Only the ‘we’ was just me now.
It was so so new. I didn’t even know until I went to the doctor to be prescribed something for anxiety. Something to help me sleep. Something to take the pain away, even for just a little bit.
This came with a routine pregnancy test… a test that turned positive.
My heart shattered all over again. How do I bring a child into a world knowing dad would never even get to meet him or her?
I agonized over what to do, and ultimately decided I physically couldn’t bring this child into the world. I was too broken. He or she would be half orphaned. I simply couldn’t do it. It was too much. I wasn’t able to emotionally or physically do it. I was a cup that was already overflowing, and I was drowning in pain and guilt and anxiety. Raising the children, I already had was hard enough.
And I moved on with my grieving process.
But What I found out today is I was so busy grieving Jamie… grieving the life I wouldn’t have… I never truly got to grieve the life of this child I never got to see or raise or hold. I never let myself mourn the loss of this child that I had already loved, and just as quickly, couldn’t keep. This child that was a part of the man who I love and cherish more than anything else in the world… and I never said goodbye because I was too busy saying goodbye to the much more obvious loss in front of me. But now that I’ve quickly approached and passed what would’ve been the due date, I realize how badly I needed to mourn that loss just as much. How I needed to say it aloud because I needed to feel how real it really is.
I lost Jamie. And by losing Jamie, I lost our child… a child that wasn’t planned, but I still love. I know he or she is with Jamie now, and I know he is taking care of our baby because I couldn’t.
But here’s the growth:
By losing them both, my perspective changed.
Because all of a sudden, it was me faced with this awful choice. It was my body, my baby… and my loss.
It opened my eyes to the fact that for years, I had so quickly judged those whose choices I had NEVER been forced to make, but somehow thought I could ‘do better’ if presented with the same circumstances.
And then I found myself here.
Broken. Scared. Heart shattered in a million pieces. And an understanding that I physically could not do this.
And yet: I’m lucky.
No one told me not to do it.
No one tried to make me feel bad.
I was surrounded by support no matter what I chose and empathy because those around me knew they had not walked in my shoes and that I was faced with an impossible choice that only I could make because its ONLY my choice.
I’m lucky because I wasn’t surrounded by people like the old me, trying to shame me into changing my mind.
I’m lucky because I live in a place where my choice is the only choice that matters.
I’m lucky because every single challenge this last year threw my way has had a not-so-silver lining that has helped shape me into a better person.
Because I didn’t know and couldn’t know until I knew. Until it was my loss, and my anxiety, and my abortion.
