\u201cPeople want to work with those who understand them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To be an FBI hostage negotiator, you need an incredible amount of self-discipline<\/a> and people skills. You have to find a way to build rapport<\/a> with the kidnapper or terrorist to de-escalate<\/a> the situation and make sure no one is hurt. Gaining their trust<\/a> is extremely difficult because it\u2019s against human nature to be kind to a kidnapper. However, most of the time, it\u2019s necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As part of his book EQ Applied:<\/a> The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence<\/em>, Justin Bariso, \u201cThe EQ Guy,\u201d<\/a> spoke with former lead FBI hostage negotiator Christopher Voss<\/a>, who shared the five-word phrase that helps him create an empathetic bond with a kidnapper or terrorist: \u201cEmpathy does not equal agreement.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n What Voss realized, through over 150 hostage negotiations, is that during the negotiation, the kidnappers are highly emotional, so reasoning is nearly impossible. \u201cEach one of us, we make every single decision based on what we care about, and that makes decision-making, by definition, an emotional process,\u201d Voss told Bariso.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n Recognizing that empathizing with someone doesn\u2019t mean they agree with them, Voss used empathy to better understand the kidnappers\u2019 motivations, state of mind, and reasoning. \u201cThe purpose of empathy isn\u2019t to fold to someone\u2019s views, but to understand where they\u2019re coming from so you can create a better partnership,\u201d Voss wrote on X. \u201cIt\u2019s to humanize the deal. People want to work with those who understand them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Elizabeth A. Segal, Ph.D., writes in Psychology Today<\/em><\/u><\/a> that being empathetic is different than showing sympathy: \u201cJust because we have empathic feelings does not mean we have to excuse behaviors or dismiss negative consequences for those behaviors. In fact, we can use our empathic insight to do two important things: hold people accountable and fashion appropriate responses.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is precisely what Voss is doing by using empathetic insights to hold the kidnappers accountable for their actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When a hostage negotiator builds trust with the kidnapper, it opens the door to a successful negotiation. \u201cBuilding influence with someone in crisis takes time. You have to show them you are listening, earn their trust, and guide them toward making their own decision. That\u2019s not something that happens in minutes\u2014it sometimes takes hours. If you try to push things too quickly, it can backfire,\u201d Elizabeth Prillinger, hostage negotiator with the San Francisco Police Department, told\u00a0Police1<\/u><\/a>.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n We can all use empathy to better understand those we disagree with, and doing so doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019ve given in or changed your mind. When we use empathy to understand others, we gain insights into what motivates them and, by building their trust, we are more likely to change their minds.<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat does \u2019empathy does not equal agreement\u2019 mean?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Empathy is different from sympathy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n