To provide a brief explanation, gaslighting is a manipulation technique in which someone purposefully and maliciously makes someone question their reality. Abusers<\/a> and narcissists<\/a> will often use gaslighting to wear down their victims\u2019 sense of self as a means of establishing and maintaining control over them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In a relationship, gaslighting can look like denying that something happened and telling the person they\u2019re crazy for how they\u2019re remembering it. It can look like flat-out lying about something the victim knows for sure to be true. It can look like invalidating someone\u2019s feelings and telling them they\u2019re overreacting. It can look like being cruel and then claiming it was just a joke or making the victim believe they\u2019re at fault for something the perpetrator did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, however, people use gaslighting to describe basic disagreements or arguing from different perspectives, like simply saying, \u201cThat\u2019s not what happened,\u201d or \u201cThat\u2019s not how I remember it.\u201d Actual gaslighting is intentional in its impact on the victim. People can have different memories of how something happened and disagree vehemently, but if a person isn\u2019t purposely trying to alter someone\u2019s sense of reality, it\u2019s not gaslighting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Similarly, telling someone to calm down and not take things personally may not be a sensitive way to respond to a person who\u2019s upset, but it doesn\u2019t automatically equate to gaslighting, either. Gaslighting requires a malicious intent to manipulate and control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As Dr. Robin Stern, author of the book The Gaslight Effect<\/a><\/em> (2007) describes gaslighting on Psychology Today<\/em>:<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person\u2019s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship. A gaslighter preserves his or her sense of self and power over the gaslightee, who adopts the gaslighter\u2019s version of reality over their own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Gaslighting also isn\u2019t confined to a one-time event, but is more a pattern of behavior<\/a>. The gaslighter\u2019s repeated distortions and denials wear the victim down over time, making them doubt themselves and question their reality. That\u2019s part of what makes it hard to spot from the inside, since someone being gaslit is likely to question whether it\u2019s really happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you detect an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, it\u2019s important to seek professional help from therapist<\/a>, especially if you suspect gaslighting may be at play. But having a tool to clarify what you\u2019re experiencing and help determine what kind of help is needed can be useful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Psychology Today<\/em> offers a 20-question online self-test<\/a> to help you assess whether gaslighting might be a problem in your relationship. The test takes about three minutes and includes statements like \u201cThis person makes me feel like I\u2019m unstable,\u201d \u201cThis person tells me that other people are not trustworthy,\u201d and \u201cI choose my words carefully when I\u2019m with this person.\u201d After responding to each statement with one of five answers ranging from Always to Never, the test tells you how likely it is that gaslighting is an issue in that relationship based on your answers. Possible outcomes include no signs, few signs, some signs, strong signs or very strong signs of gaslighting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The test results page also provides more detail about what gaslighting is, things to watch out for so you can spot it, and tips for what to do if you are being gaslit in you relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe healthiest course of action, in most cases, is to end the relationship or significantly reduce contact,\u201d the site states. \u201cLeaving a gaslighting relationship is challenging but possible. Confrontation is rarely effective; instead, trust your instincts, gather evidence, reduce or cut off contact, and seek help from friends, family, or a therapist.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Find the Psychology Today<\/em> gaslighting self-test here.<\/a> (And if you need a therapist to help you with your relationship struggles, you can search by location, insurance, and specialty on the website\u2019s \u201cFind a Therapist\u201d database of providers here.<\/a>)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Gaslighting is designed to confuse, and the signs aren\u2019t always super clear. 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