There\u2019s a better way to help kids regulate their emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When kids are upset, parents can easily get flustered and frustrated, too. When looking for a quick way to soothe or settle their kids, one of the most common phrases out of a parent\u2019s mouth is \u201cCalm down.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Most parents say it from a place of love, assuming their kids will hear them and respond accordingly. But that rarely works.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Instead, a simple six-word phrase may defuse the situation. A pediatric occupational therapist and a child psychologist explain why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The main reason telling kids to \u201cCalm down\u201d doesn\u2019t work is that they don\u2019t fully understand how to regulate their emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen a child is melting down, it\u2019s not because they don\u2019t want to be calm. It\u2019s because they can\u2019t get there on their own yet,\u201d Samantha Stiles, MS, OTR\/L, a pediatric occupational therapist and founder of Empower Kids Therapy in Orlando, Florida, told Upworthy. \u201cIn that moment, their nervous system is in survival mode, and the thinking, reasoning part of their brain is offline.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Stiles adds that when parents say \u201cCalm down,\u201d they\u2019re asking kids to use a skill they can\u2019t reach at that moment. \u201cKids often hear it as \u2018You\u2019re in trouble\u2019 or \u2018Your feelings are too much,\u2019 and that makes them feel even more alone in a moment when they need us most,\u201d she continues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dr. Carla Allan, PhD, a child psychologist and Division Chief of Psychology at Phoenix Children\u2019s, tells Upworthy that \u201cCalm down\u201d is a command that is hard to follow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cCommands are hard to follow at any age when you\u2019re overwhelmed by emotion or feeling misunderstood. It\u2019s also unspecific. A stressed-out brain does not know which steps to take to arrive at \u2018calm,\u2019\u201d notes Dr. Allan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And it\u2019s not just the phrase \u201cCalm down\u201d that can be unhelpful; the delivery matters too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe should focus instead on the one thing we can control as adults: ourselves,\u201d Dr. Allan adds. \u201cWhen our bodies are relaxed and our voice is calm, we model the exact skills we want our kids to develop.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Parents should try replacing \u201cCalm down\u201d with this more helpful phrase: \u201cI see how upset you are.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen we name our emotions, we can help tame them,\u201d says Dr. Allan. \u201cTo feel understood and accepted in that moment, even when you may not agree with your child\u2019s perspective, shows them you love them unconditionally.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This puts kids at ease.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhen they feel seen instead of corrected, their body gets the message that they\u2019re safe, and safety is what lets their nervous system settle,\u201d says Stiles. \u201cYou\u2019re meeting them where they are instead of asking them to meet you where you want them to be. That connection is what opens the door to calm.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
From there, giving yourself and your child space to process may be the best next step.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSometimes the most effective approach is connection followed by a bit of space. After naming the emotion, saying, \u2018I\u2019m going to give you space to breathe, and I\u2019ll be right here when you\u2019re ready\u2019 helps kids learn to calm themselves for all the times you\u2019re not around, like at school.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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