\u201cIf you only share, it\u2019s a monologue. If you only listen, it\u2019s an interview.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The key to finding happiness has been widely researched. The data on happiness suggest that it comes down to our connections with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside and author of the new book \u201cHow To Feel Loved,\u201d explained that her research has identified one key factor in happiness, and it comes down to conversation and deeper connection with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
During a TEDNext 2025 presentation, Lyubomirsky explained that she has been a happiness researcher for more than 30 years. In her lab, she has conducted experiments on \u201chappiness interventions\u201d since 1998.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These \u201cinterventions\u201d include exercises such as writing letters of gratitude, performing acts of kindness, and \u201cacting\u201d extroverted, all of which led people to feel happier. Her research suggests these activities increase happiness because \u201cthey help us feel more connected to and loved by others.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Lyubomirsky\u2019s next challenge was to determine\u00a0how humans can connect\u00a0most\u00a0with one another. From touch to dance to eye contact, she noted that these are all valid ways people connect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But in Western culture, connection often happens through conversation. Still, simply talking with others doesn\u2019t always lead to connection because of the \u201cwalls around us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe build those walls to protect ourselves, yet they also keep us from ever letting anyone in,\u201d said Lyubomirsky. \u201cThey keep us from becoming truly known.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To feel more loved, you have to be more known, which means taking down those walls when talking with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Connecting more deeply with others starts with approaching conversations differently, according to Lyubomirsky. She offers a\u00a0three-step formula\u00a0to follow:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself, not just your highlight reel,\u201d said Lyubomirsky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The goal is to share deeply and be brave enough to let others see the real you. To do so, she encourages people to pace themselves and start small.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDon\u2019t immediately share your deepest secret or trauma,\u201d she explained. \u201cIf you go deep too fast, everyone\u2019s walls will come right back up again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Instead, say something honest, something like, \u201cI\u2019ve had a rough day,\u201d instead of \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is achieved by listening to learn, not to respond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cQuiet your voice so theirs can be heard,\u201d explained Lyubomirsky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To do this, she encourages people to listen as if there\u2019s going to be a quiz tomorrow on what the other person shares.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This final step helps build deeper connection. For example, she suggests asking the person you\u2019re speaking with, \u201cHow did that really feel?\u201d Such questions signal that you\u2019re right there with them, Lyubomirsky said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She added, \u201cWhen was the last time someone asked you a real question about your life? It\u2019s rare. Yet research shows people yearned to be asked, and those who ask questions are better liked.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Her final note is to keep in mind that sharing and listening go hand in hand. \u201cIf you only share, it\u2019s a monologue. If you only listen, it\u2019s an interview,\u201d Lyubomirsky said. \u201cBut when you do both, that\u2019s when the magic happens.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At the end of the day, Lyubomirsky\u2019s formula isn\u2019t complicated, and that\u2019s kind of the point. Sharing something real, listening like it actually matters, asking one more question than usual, none of it requires a grand gesture or a perfectly timed moment. It just requires letting your walls down slightly, on purpose, more often than feels comfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s really what her decades of research keep circling back to. Happiness isn\u2019t something you stumble into. It\u2019s something you build, one honest conversation at a time, with the people willing to meet you halfway.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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