Tolstoy and his wife, Sophia, had 13 children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Russian writer and philosopher Leo Tolstoy created many literary masterpieces during his lifetime, including Anna Karenina and War and Peace. Works of love and tragedy, Tolstoy\u2019s real life mirrored the full spectrum of the human experience, including in his marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tolstoy married his wife Sophia Bers (also \u2018Sofia\u2019 and \u2018Sofya\u2019, as well as \u2018Sonya\u2018, which is the common Russian diminutive for Sofya), in 1862. He was 34, she was 18. Her father was a successful doctor in Moscow. Their marriage was famously tumultuous, but lasted 48 years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tolstoy shared his insights into marriage, summing up his wisdom in a single sentence that holds true in modern day life:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat counts in making a happy marriage is not how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Despite their differences, Tolstoy and his wife put his advice into practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tolstoy\u2019s marriage to Sophia began like many: happy. Leah Bendavid-Val, author of\u00a0Song Without Words: The Photographs and Diaries of Countess Sophia Tolstoy, told\u00a0NPR\u00a0that, \u201cThey were madly in love when they got married in 1862, and they shared everything, including their diaries. They used their diaries to talk to each other.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The couple had 13 children together, with eight making it into adulthood. Sofia was an asset to Tolstoy\u2019s writing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShe copied his manuscripts and he listened to her opinions, which was very gratifying to her,\u201d Bendavid-Val said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, their relationship evolved into one described as \u201clove-hate.\u201d Bendavid-Val explained that their relationship was \u201cvery emotional, very passionate, and their love was full and passionate and deep and rich, and so was their hatred. And unfortunately, the hatred seems to have won out in the end.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\nAccording to The New York Times, Sophia served as \u201csecretary, copy editor and financial manager\u201d for her husband. In 1869, she copied the manuscript for War and Peace by hand eight times for him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A devoted wife, she struggled to meet Tolstoy\u2019s demands and principles. She honestly journaled about her feelings, and many have been translated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAll the things that he preaches for the happiness of humanity only complicate life to the point where it becomes harder and harder for me to live,\u201d she wrote in a diary in 1865, per The Guardian. \u201cHis vegetarian diet means the complication of preparing two dinners, which means twice the expense and twice the work. His sermons on love and goodness have made him indifferent to his family, and mean the intrusion of all kinds of riff-raff into our family life. And his (purely verbal) renunciation of worldly goods has made him endlessly critical and disapproving of others.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How it all came to an end<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Toward the end of his life, an argument over Leo\u2019s will resulted in him leaving their family home called Yasnaya Polyana. Although their relationship had its challenges, the couple did remain married until her husband\u2019s death shortly after he left their home in 1910.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThey needed each other. Neither of them could have lived as full and rich a life without the other,\u201d Bendavid-Val said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Love and hate can share a marriage<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
At the end of the day, the Tolstoys\u2019 marriage doesn\u2019t offer a tidy lesson. It wasn\u2019t a fairy tale, and it wasn\u2019t a cautionary tale either, it was 48 years of two people who loved each other fiercely, frustrated each other constantly, and somehow never quite managed to let go. Sophia\u2019s diaries make clear how much that cost her. But Bendavid-Val\u2019s observation cuts just as deep: neither of them could have lived as full a life without the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maybe that\u2019s what Tolstoy actually meant by his own advice. Compatibility was never really the point. It was what they built, argued over, and clung to anyway, for nearly half a century, that made the marriage what it was.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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